melisadan

I always knew this day would come.  Today.  The day when I am no longer that someone special, but just another girl of his past.  I always knew this day would come, but I didn't know how I would take it.  I still don't know how I'm taking it.  I'm not great at dianosing myself, but if I took a stab at it I would put myself at disbelief.  I feel as though it hasn't officially hit me yet.  I feel as though I'm still awaiting one last disappointment, another dire need to be crushed, crumpled, and walked on.  I guess I'll just have to see.

we are the melancholy
we feel with our hearts
we cry to ease the pain
when you tickle us we laugh
and when you hurt us,
we feel it with every bone in our body

we express ourselves
inside and out
we write, we draw,
we fly, and we fall
we where our hearts on our sleeves
for all the world to see
cause we take the chances
that most won't
We let you see us
for who we really are
and your judgement?
we embrace it
only using it to make our minds, our spirit's, and our body's.... STRONGER

Things that hurt:
needing someone who doesn't want you
stubbing your toe
losing something you can't replace
finding out that no one cares
waking up day after day, with nothing to look forward to
the truth
and love


Things that don't hurt:
love
the fruits of your labor
smiling
the sunshine
finding your way home
and realizing that life goes on
whether you want it to or not

 Last night.  Well technically not last night, but the night before I had a crazy dream.  I usually have one of these about once a month.  This time I dreamt that I was a mother.  I was sitting on a couch and there was a baby next to me.  I am a Jamaican American or otherwise consider myself to be a black americanm, but my baby was I guess, half indian.  My daughter was absolutely beautiful.  I have always planned on naming my first child Noelle whether it be a boy or a girl, but now a part of me thinks that that name will due no justice to the beauty of my first child.  Anywho on with the story.....

I looked next to me and she was sitting in a baby car seat and next to her was paper work stating that I was the mother.  For some reason I didn't doubt for one second whether she was my child or not.  The moment I looked at her I KNEW it was correct.  I picked her up and suddenly I understood how it felt to be a mother.  I felt a sudden rush of maternal instincts that I had never possessed before.  Then it dawned on me that I had absolutely no recollection of being pregnent nor giving birth to my child.  But for some strange reason I didn't care! I just wanted to love my baby.  The child in my arms was aproximately 3 months old, and I couldn't remember when the last time she was given a bath so I began to go through her baby bag strategically placed on the couch as well and decided to bath and clothe her. 

I soon began to wonder who my baby's father was.  I've only had one boyfriend for the past 3 years now and he definately was not indian and could not be the father of my child, but that didn't matter to me.  I knew that as long as my child had me she would be completely safe and satisfied with the life I would provide for her. 

When I finally awoke a strange feeling of worry bumrushed my mind.  I woke up looking for my baby only to soon realize it was merely a dream.  And the astonishing thing about it is...I was disappointed.  I seriously woke up longing for my baby, I missed the warmth and comfort we exchanged during my dream and longed for it back.  I immediately felt my stomach even though I knew there is no chance I am pregnent.  A junior in college should be happy not being pregnent but suddenly I wanted a baby.  But not just any baby, I wanted the baby from my dream I perfect baby. 

Well I came to my senses moments after awaking and don't want a child this moment anymore, but one things for sure.  There is no way in hell I could ever support abortion now.   I would rather damned my child's father to hell before I think of taking the life of such an innocent, defensive child.  I don't have any kids now and I'm glad that I don't, but when I do Lord help me if anything goes wrong, because I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep my child happy and healthy.